coffee off the clock is a weekly column full of musings on life since i left my 9-5, and building a life around writing. join me for a coffee every week and follow my journey!

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the sun has taken its hat off and for the first time, i welcome it. i’ve missed retreating to my little writing tower upstairs, peering out to the bus stop behind the drizzly summer rain. i can put on a small orange lamp in the late afternoon, close the blinds slightly and enjoy my coffee hot without feeling like i’m betraying the rhythm of the seasons. instead, i’m going with it in soft motions. sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy. sunshine in my eyes can make me cry. sunshine on the water. looks so lovely.

this week has been quite lovely, and like the weather, i’ve been up and down but not condemning myself for it. it’s that time of the month. one day i’m feeling like i can take on the world: filling the patio gaps with sand, deep cleaning the kitchen and ideas have been striking me like lightning bolts in the middle of it all. then the next day, i’m as flat as the many pancakes i eat. to pry myself from the house feels like a betrayal to my own body. so i obey it.

the more i go with these rhythms without tormenting myself with the question ‘what is wrong with me?’, the more life seems to reward me with an all encompassing peace. peace in this simple but radical knowing that: there’s nothing wrong with you, this is just nature and you’re a part of nature – it’s all cyclical. god, i wish someone had told me that when i was whipping myself into constant productivity all through my adolescence. like the summer sun, on the days i can, i will. and on the days i can’t, i won’t.

but on the day that i could this week, me and majd celebrated 2 whole years since our nikkah engagement. he gave me the option of a) dinner or b) brunch and reader, you’ll know that i wasn’t missing out on a sweet treat and a coffee. so, majd found this lovely little halal brunch place called wisteria & co in glasgow.

i don’t say this lightly: it’s the best french toast i’ve tried in all my years of french toasting & pancaking around the west of scotland. i got the berry french toast and OF COURSE, a hazelnut latte. also the decor and service was just soo beautiful. those flowers on the table were fresh! and it’s the little things like that i notice and adore.

i’ve also had this creative resurgence recently. i’ve been continuing my mirror project and painting, quite badly may i add, but i’m enjoying the process. or i was. until i had a vision in my head of how i wanted the flowers on my mirror to look but i just could not for the life of me, execute that vision. then my stubborn ego went in a huff. i think that’s why i’ve always resigned myself to words instead. i’m an incredibly visual person and i can describe an image in extreme sensory detail, but ask me to paint or draw and you’ll be sorry you asked.

i’m sure there’s a lesson in this mirror project for me. in fact, i know there is when my ego gets triggered. and somehow it feels all related to me writing my novel. it’s that holding of such a detailed vision in my inner world and fearing that i’ll never be able to execute or translate it in the same way into the material world. reader, i think you may have just witnessed me locating the source of my creative block.

so no progress has been made on the novel since the 10.5k because i stumbled into a scene that i was admittedly very afraid to write. there’s a famous quote that frequently circles the writing community pages: “the thing you are most afraid to write. write that,” and i think today might be the day that i return to it and accept the challenge. the worst that can happen is i discover more about myself and the best that can happen is i discover more about myself.

i’ve also stopped consuming as much as i create, even removing the facebook app and only using it to post this column which has done wonders for me. nothing good has ever come from me opening that app. and it made me realise why i’m so grateful that i never went into trad journalism.

at uni, there was a constant pressure to be constantly informed on contemporary issues if you were to be the ‘best’ journalist. you had to be the first to grab a negative news story like a vulture perched on a branch. i had never been so depressed than in those last few years of my degree.

it’s scary to realise that we have never been not just so overly-informed, but so overly-informed with all the worst sides of humanity. it genuinely feels like pollution to my soul. i can accept the dark aspects of this world. i’ve looked it in the eye many many times in my life. this isn’t an ‘ignorance is bliss’ attitude. it’s simply drawing a line in the sand and saying ‘enough’. it’s a refusal to succumb to a deep dark nihilism.

majd has been my inspiration for this. he’s been off of facebook and instagram for a year now after noticing the impact it was having on his adhd and mental health. after that, he threw himself into his degree, achieving a first class, before going on to do his masters this year.

i see how much space he’s created in his life to work on all these amazing side projects that light him up and i know that’s because he’s so selective about what he consumes. he’s learned soo many new skills this year. and i’m just in awe of him – if it’s not abundantly clear lol!

anyway, reader, that’s the musings for this week and i’m glad you’ve got to witness some little enlightenments i’ve had. i’m now feeling deeply inspired and ready to grab this scene in my book by its horns. if i come back here next week not having done so, feel free to chase me with a slipper until i do!

until next week reader, may all your coffees be enjoyed with a good book instead of the news! 📚😎

– ailsa x