coffee off the clock is a weekly column full of musings on life since i left my 9-5, and building a life around writing. join me for a coffee every week and follow my journey!

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there’s something about being a writer that almost demands ‘the imperfect conditions’. unwashed hair in a clip, a stained t-shirt from your cockatiel’s poop, a slight dehydration and sniffles from fluctuating bouts of hayfever. the washing piles up. the hours slip like sand through your hands. and still the keys call me. they remind me that even on my worst days, i’ve still made a promise to both my craft and… my caffeine intake.

i’m forever catching a glimpse of myself in the too-many-mirrors of my house these days and getting a jumpscare. i’m the poster child of tiktok’s latest word of the week: exhausterwhelmulated. ehxausted. overwhelmed. overstimulated. and it’s something the deep shade of lilac under my eyes attests to. i’ve even begrudgingly provided photo evidence… (remember ailsa, this column is for sharing life as it is, not how you’d like it to be, i whisper to myself).

it’s been a tough few weeks for majd and i with his recovery. he’s feeling a huge loss of control in life and i’m feeling a huge sense of responsibility. roles that were once halved have become disproportioned through our circumstances. i’m trying to hold many roles at once, fuelling myself on survival. knowing now that it’s the least sustainable fuel you can run on.

and while many things may get done, there’s always one part of me that gets lost between the busy hours of chores and errands: the writer. but this time, i’ve learned that i’m no longer a disciplined writer. i’m a devoted writer. time is no longer something that i have to grab by brutal force, but something that arrives with gentle wings as a necessity, a non-negotiable. or nobody gets the best of me. not even me.

i’ve had to say ‘no’ to many things this week. in fact, this may just be the most ‘no’-iest week of my life. oh the last week of may, you’ll go down as the week of the most cancelled plans in ailsa history. if i don’t protect my own health, i can’t protect anyone’s. and the thing is, i knew it was getting bad when i was dreaming about being asleep and not quite sure if i actually slept or not. the lines between wake and sleep were blurred and i was starting to slightly disassociate from life. and this is where things can get dangerous for someone with epilepsy (me!).

i’m sooo sure you know that feeling when you’ve not had sleep and the world begins to feel dream-like. it reminded me of the summer 5am walk home from after parties. where you don’t know if you’re still drunk or if you’re hungover. got the fear just writing that. anyway, yesss, that’s been life. we’ve been thrusted out of our routine into this weird sort of liminal space and not quite sure what day of the week it is.

we didn’t go anywhere fancy for brunch this week, but instead had coffees at home. putting my very dusty and basic-ass barista skills from 2nd year of uni to work. i also made us toast & pistachio spread with wonky strawberry slices to keep the small novelties alive. see, reader, i even said ‘no’ to brunch! who am i?! we love a woman who knows her limits after years of abusing them 😌💅. and majd has been recovering slowly but surely, taking it day by day. although, if he had it his way, he’d be back to work tomorrow.

i took saturday as a really, deeply boring recovery day from life. no washings were done. no food was made. i let bee fling his seeds everywhere without grabbing the hoover every two seconds (that one was painful). i didn’t even tax my brain with reading or writing. i spent most of the day in bed, in silence… playing hayday. the way god intended it. 🤠🌽

and i spent the few glorious days of sunshine outside in the garden dream journalling all of my vivid dreams over the last few weeks and finishing joseph campbell’s the power of myth. i can’t write many thoughts on that book yet. it was the same when i first read watts or jung. there’s so much insight that needs to be digested and it takes a few days in silence to fully get there. probably because it’s not a book you think through but feel your way through, as overly-sentimental as that sounds.

i always wonder who i’m going to be on the other side of their books. that’s how powerful i find the teachings and that’s why i always introduce them in my writing classes. i read a comment on a joseph campbell video recently that said: ‘campbell, watts and jung are the trifecta’ and i couldn’t have related to anything more. i found these three authors by complete accident but exactly when i needed them in my life. they’ve been mentors between pages to me. and i wonder who i’ll be after the next.

besides the books, if there’s anything that’s been keeping me alive this week, it’s been a return to listening to led zeppelin. i somehow lost them along the way but they’re sooo back, reader. i found a video essay on john bonham on youtube and just went down this rabbit hole again. proud owner of an original zeppelin I record.

i remember stealing my step dad’s houses of the holy album when i was 18 and playing it (or destroying it) on a cheap crosley record player in my little attic bedroom, surrounded by stones and beatles posters doing my 60s makeup. i miss her sometimes. but not the alcohol consumption. the time has come to be gone. and through our health we drank a thousand times. it’s time to ramble on. i’m treating you to a little throwback below…

anyway, reader, i’m keeping it short and sweet this week, just like everything else. until next week, may all your coffees be made by a barista better than me (i once asked a customer if they’d like milk in their latte, good byeeee) ☕️😎.

– ailsa x