only but a moment ago was the sun making summer feel like a sudden possibility, and now i write at the window with the all too familiar battering of rain as branches dance to the beat of a furious wind. a reminder that we’re still in between. that spring is, indeed, a threshold.

in last night’s dream, i was sauntering through the streets of paris with my best friend. we wandered through the louvre & its pop-up stalls of global fashion before heading to a quaint café where a kind man paid for our blueberry baked porridge oats and coffees.

and that dream came exactly 2 years to the day of when I was actually sauntering through the streets of paris with my best friend. it reminded me of when we asked for lattes in a low-lit restaurant with drawn red curtains, and received 2 shots of espresso in a tiny cup that had ‘richard’ written on it.

because of that, i have the perfect song choice this week. i remember us doing our makeup, legs crossed on the floor of our room listening to hozier’s too sweet which was freshly released that day. and if you haven’t caught on yet, all my column titles are lyrics from the song i choose for that week. coffee black and my bed at three.

now, i’m writing beside the rain with a small orange lamp, a cockatiel foraging diligently through dunes of seeds and a fiancé whose sitting with a slight focused frown, typing up his final year thesis. both equally as romantic, just in different ways.

and speaking of coffees: today was as a hazelnut latte from koko house on great george st, glasgow. are we even shocked that it was hazelnut? it might’ve been a little tooooo sweet for me (pardon the pun), especially with the pancakes. but the spike in blood sugars felt necessary tbh.

it was lovely to spend the morning with majd, despite us both feeling a little flat as the week draws to a close. it was for that reason that the yap score was low today, maybe a 4/10. the caffeine had sooo little dopamine to hook onto.

hangry and tired, we couldn’t decide where to go for breakfast today. he loves a savoury breakfast; i love a sweet breakfast. for those who read last week’s column, you’ll know that this is very on brand for us. and today, i couldn’t get the pistachio soufflé pancakes from koko house out my head & once i had planted the seed, majd couldn’t help but follow.

while majd has been writing his thesis, i’ve been putting plans together for the community anthology i’m making with my monday writing group. i’ve already received & edited the first submission which was both sobering (like, is this really happening?!) & exciting, of course. reading the first submission, i felt myself get emotional.

i feel proud. proud of the connections, growth & creativity that’s been cultivated in the group. i’m realising for the first time that my work has real impact. that people are talking about the hugeimprovements in their wellbeing through this group. that some people have rekindled a flame with their creativity after years of having lost touch. how excited people in this group are to become published writers for the first time.

every time i see a little glimmer in the eye of a participant returned, it reminds me that i’d do it all over again. i’d hand in my notice and quit the job. i’d take the leap despite the judgement. i’d move houses a million times. i’d do it all again. because i’m feeding & nourishing the very things that we’ve all been starved of. that i was once starved of.

so, i’m getting it now. i can’t see the full road ahead, but i see enough to take the next step in front of me. and this week, that gave me the courage to register as self-employed again.

if you haven’t read my piece i almost abandoned myself, i basically came to a cross-roads last year where i ultimately had to give up my self-employment to receive income support & sought out new work.

it was a devastating & deeply humbling point in my life where i questioned my path entirely. after a huge realisation, i ran toward it harder and faster than ever & i treat this work as sacred work. no one else needs to understand it. it’s only important that i do.

ok, let’s move from philosophy to fashion catastrophe. today’s off the clock outfit is so painfully me. and i say this because this exact outfit has seen many, many springs now. it’s like a safety outfit.

when i gave up my flat, i also had to give up a lot of clothes. so much of it had been lost to mould and storage containers. so as well as building a new life, i’ve had to build a new wardrobe. we’re still in the early days. while i can give an explanation for many things, the unmade bed and weird grey socks will have to remain a mystery.

i’m also saving my best outfits for my best days. whichhhh with best days in mind, tomorrow is my best friend’s birthday so we’re celebrating in glasgow. it will be 2 years tomorrow that we were sitting in a rooftop bar in paris watching the eiffell tower sparkle on the skyline. she was turning 25. 10 years on from when she gave me my first cigarette at a house party on bute. i think all good friendships begin along those lines.

anyway, until next week reader, may all your coffees give you dopamine!

– ailsa x